Edward and Bella at the Mall
by LeahSwitzerland
Summary: A eventful day at the mall and of course Bella doesn't know she's going. teehee.
1. Is that a Macy's!

Hi everyone! I've always wanted to do a humorous fanfic like this. It's actually pretty silly in this chapter, OK really silly, but it get WAY less ridiculous in the next chapter and so on. I hope you enjoy it! I think it's pretty funny if I say so myself. :)

Seriously give it a chance! Read the second chapter! Its MUCH more realistic. but funny too :)

I do not own Twilight in any way shape or form. It's ALL the work of the lovely Stephenie Meyer. duh

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"Edward, this so wonderful, that you found a good book store! I love books!" The excited Bella said while clutching a Jane Austen book.

Edward's ridiculously beautiful face turned into a ridiculously beautiful face full of sadness.

"I thought you loved _me_ Bella?! I'll understand if you don't. I encourage it. I'll leave right now if you want; you can have my hot ass Volvo so you can drive home." He sobbed beautiful sobs.

"I do love you Edward. Please don't leave me! I'm nothing without your gorgeous ass! Nothing!" Bella begged on the verge of tears. Sad tears.

"This is wrong Bella. What don't you understand?! We don't belong together. You should go out with that Mike Newton fellow. He wouldn't try to drink your… delicious…warm…heavenly…blood." Edward drawled, leaning in closer to the mousy Bella.

SLAP!! I guess she's not that mousy.

"Dammit Edward! Snap out of it." Bella said rubbing her stinging hand but still trying to be tough. "I'd rather die than go out with Mike Newton. Anyway didn't you say he stares at you in the showers at school?" Edward ignored that last bit. He wasn't going to be put off topic by this girl. This girl he loved so much it was retarded.

"We're both going to hell!" He cried.

Bella would have thought about this like a normal person, but she has no instinct of self preservation, of course.

"As long as I'm with you Eddipuss, I don't care." Bella whispered smiling. Bella reached out to hold his ice cold, manicured hand.

"No touching!"

"No touching." Bella repeated sadly.

"I'm sorry Bella my love. Please forgive me." Edward said looking at the girl with strong emotion. Bella turned to look at him.

"I forrgggiiii… uhhhh…." Instantly dazzled, Bella stared at Edward and started to drool. Edward was fascinated by this human liquid. He caught some on his finger. Smelled it then tasted it. _Strawberries_, Edward thought.

Bella seemed to be barely breathing. She needed to snap out of this trance thing. Edward thought of what to do. _What should I do?_ Edward thought.

He couldn't slap her like she did him. That would shatter her skull. Edward liked her skull. Bella thought Edward's voice was musical and hypnotic so calling to her wouldn't work. _A ha!_ Edward thought. He began to reach into the back of the car.

SPRITZ! SPRITZ! SPRITZ! _Three squirts should be enough._ Edward thought putting his handy dandy water bottle back.

Bella sputtered back into a healthy conscience.

"Did you say something Edward, the vampire I love? Why is my face wet?" Bella asked deeply confused, biting her lip and furrowing her eyebrows.

"Everything is fine love." Edwards said putting the easily influenced Bella at ease.

One minute later Edward's hot ass Volvo pulled into a very packed parking lot. Edward likes to drive fast not caring about his true love's screams of terror on his, what she calls, "rides of death".

Edward unbuckled his seat belt and let down the protective armor on the car with the push of a button. Like the bumper sticker says "Precious cargo onboard." Poor Bella struggled with her seat belt though. Her human fingers were just too weak.

"Silly human" Edward chuckled. His manicured hands freed his human soul mate from the wretched seat belt with such grace that the Hallelujah chorus began to play. Edward gracefully got out of the car pushing his penny colored hair out of his golden colored eyes and smiled at the staring humans who passed by.

Bella still dazed by Edwards hands being in such a close proximity when he took off her seat belt, slowly opened her car door and saw something shiny on the ground. She stepped out of the car and tripped. While on the ground she picked up the penny she saw.

Edward was instantly cradling her.

"Oh no! Are you alright Bella!?" he asked.

"More than alright Edward. I found this penny!!" Bella exclaimed.

"Why should I care about that penny? Did it make you fall?! If it did so help me…"

"No Edward! Don't hurt Mr. Penny he's the same color as your hair." Bella said dreamily "I'll keep him forever!"

"Silly Bella" Edward sighed while putting her down carefully.

"Edward where is the book store?" Bella asked looking around nervously. "Why are there so many people? Is that a Macy's?!"She asked extremely panicked.

Bella clutched her Jane Austen book and Mr. Penny getting ready to make a run for it. _Edward has taken me to a mall. I know what you do at malls. You _buy_ things. _Bella thought, a shiver running down her spine.

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Write a review and tell me what you think, please! I'll update soon. It was really fun to write. REVIEW!!


	2. It was not lice!

Chapter 2! Let me say this now. I don't see Stephenie's characters the way I portray them in this fanfic at all. This is just an exaggerations of their emotions, actions and personalities. I don't think its so ridiculous that I'll change the category into "parody" though. Its a lot less silly as the last chapter, thats for sure.

I hope you enjoy it!

I do not own anything in the Twilight universe. Its all the work of the lovely Stephenie Meyer.

"Edward, I want to go home now." Bella said sticking out her chin and starting to back away.

Edward put his beautiful hands out in front of him in a way to show himself unarmed.

"Don't be afraid. I love you Bella" He said trying to calm her.

"I'm not going in there Edward! You can't make me!" She said not looking into those eyes of his. Knowing it would turn her into a puddle of goo that would do anything he asked.

"You must understand, Bella my sweet, that this is also hard for me. Doing something to you that don't want." Edward said, disgusted with himself that he was talking about his own pain when he was already so "selfish", as he says.

Bella tried to block out his voice by humming thinking _How am I going to escape?! _She just kept walking backwards. Without falling! It was a miracle from the gods! That miracle was short lived when she bumped into something small and rock hard then tumbled to the ground.

"AAAHHH!!" Bella screamed.

"Hi there Bella!" Alice chimed with her wind chime voice.

"Alice!" Bella said startled.

_Uh oh._ Bella thought. _Alice is here, outside the mall. Now there's no way of getting out of this! Edward should have read her frickn mind so he could save me from this torture! I mean its was his favorite thing to do. Protecting me. He even threatened harmless Mr. Penny! Wait... a... second... _

_OHMYGOSH!_

_Edward planned this whole thing! _

_How could he?! _

SPRITZ! SPRITZ! Edward was getting nervous at how long Bella was just looking out into space with her facial expressions going a mile a minute.

"Where is that damn water coming from?!" Bella yelled getting up off the ground. Edward had already hidden the handy dandy water bottle with his super awesome vampire speed.

"That's not important right now Bella dear. Whats important is that you know that we love you and that this is for your own good." Edward said slowly inching closer to Bella. Alice doing the same.

"Edward is right Bella." Alice said soothingly "This is for your own good."

"For my own good?" Bella asked "What are you two talking about!?"

Edward and Alice shared a look of agreeing and nodded to each other.

"Why did you do this Edward!?" Bella exclaimed "Why did you trick me and put me in this trap?"

Edward hearing is true loves anguish was just about to cave in and take Bella to the best book store that Washington state had to offer. But all of a sudden he cringed at the sudden flood of images of Alice, his sister, and Jasper, his brother, doing many explicit sexual acts. With Alice thoughts saying _Edward if you back out, its gonna be nothing but these pictures for a week!_

"Bella darling," Edward said holding Bella's hand "Alice is here to take you clothes shopping. I'm so sorry."

Bella looked at Edward, somehow sensing he was being forced into this too. She quickly turned her eyes to Alice. Alice was looking up at Bella with a big, bright smile. _That evil little pixie_ Bella thought.

"Alice whatever your doing to Edward stop it this instant!" Bella said. Bella's sixth sense kicking in she noticed these little telepathic convos between Edward and Alice.

"I'm not doing anything Bella." Alice said ultra sweetly with her soprano voice.

Edward doubled over in pain.

"My eyes!" He yelled in anguished pain.

"Oh no! Edward!" Bella yelled cradling him. "Alice please stop!"

"Only if you go shopping with me." Alice said seriously.

"Do what she says Bella!" He yelled from the ground in the fetal position.

Bella thought about this _Edward or the mall? Edward.. or the mall?! A ha!_ She thought. _I know how get out of this AND save Eddipuss!!_

"Ok Alice. I'll go shopping with you." Bella said feigning defeat. Edward stood up, freed from his torture, and put his arm around Bella's waist.

"You are so strong Bella. I love you so much!" Edward said with admiration.

"I am strong Edward AND I'm clever too." Bella said showing everyone her crossed fingers that she had behind her back.

"HA! In your face Alice! It burns doesn't it!" Bella started doing a happy dance but tripped and fell.

"Enough of this fooling around Bella!" Alice yelled getting irritated. "I'll admit it I didn't see that coming but lets not get off topic. Your going clothes shopping with me and that's final."

"No." Bella said firmly with her chin out. "Whats wrong with my clothes any way! There so comfortable."

"Uh maybe thats because they were previously used?" Alice said disgusted "Bella you shop at the Thrift Store!!"

"So whats the big deal? Its not like the clothes aren't clean."

"Sometimes they aren't Bella. Do you remember that knitted hat you bought to match your mittens?" Edward said hating to bring up the subject and cause his Bella pain.

"Yes, of course I do. I loved that hat. I wore it all the time until you guys burned it and buried the ashes!!" said Bella angrily.

"It gave you lice Bella!!" Alice yelled.

"It was not lice!!" Bella said starting to get emotional.

"Oh well then if it wasn't lice Bella then what was it?!" Alice asked sarcastically, her tiny hands on her tiny hips.

"It... It was... Oh it was lice!" yelled Bella in defeat, tears of anger running down her cheeks. Edward patted her on the back lightly.

"Wait.. wait a second! I don't have lice know. How do you explain that?" she asked.

"We had to use one of those home made mayonnaise remedies on your head while you were asleep sweety. Sorry." said Edward.

"It was pretty hilarious though." said Alice giggling "You kept talking about making sandwiches."

A raging blush ran into Bella's cheeks.

"I feel so violated. You fondled my head when I was unconscious?!" Bella asked incredulously.

"It was for your own good. Your incredibly stubborn Bella. It was just the easiest way." chimed Alice.

"Again with the "its for your own good"!" Bella groaned.

"Bella hon, please just cooperate." pleaded Alice "I don't want you to get lice again or something worse."

Bella just grumbled angrily.

"Think about it. New clean clothes. I promise you that there will be a _budget_ and we shall not go over it." Alice said budget as if it were a dirty word.

Bella was about to open her mouth and say something when Alice countered with

"And no, you don't get to pick the _budget._"

"Can Edward come?" Bella asked after thinking about any other flaws she could point out. She couldn't find any.

"Of course. I'll never leave you side." Edward promised.

"Alright fine. Lets go get this over with." Bella said as she let Edward put her Jane Austen book in his hot ass Volvo.

"Lets go." Edward said with a small smile. Bella gave Mr. Penny a squeeze, took a deep breath and began walking forward towards the mall, holding Edward's beautiful hand.

Please review!! pretty please! I'll update soon.


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